Washing the dog a la hubby

We’re in the middle of packing our house. We’re trying to get a fence put up in our future house, we’re also trying to deal with a finicky well that’s not behaving, we’re packing and we’re working full time. So, what did we decided to do at this busy time?

Wash our dogs.

We had one little brain cell working though and we decided to only wash one dog. We picked River because he’s the biggest and hairiest and he itches, so he needs a wash more than fluffy, little Ocean.

We tried washing said pooch at a professional place, but River doesn’t like strangers. And we tried a self-serve wash that only poured out dirty water and made River dirtier than ever. Desperate, my lovely hubby decided to do this at home.

Never mind that we didn’t have a tub for a dog, or a way to dry the animal. He was determined to get it done. We were going to use our claw-footed delicate tub and to dry him (get ready,) we would use the leaf blower.

Hubby thought this last point was completely logical and practical. I was more hesitant. River doesn’t like loud noises and River is pretty big. I was pretty certain the idea ranked up there with trying to pet a porcupine. Still, never let it be said that I don’t have an open mind, we gave it a go.

Of course, the bath was a disaster. Of course, River got out while he was soaped and wet making a dash for it. Of course, the claw-foot tub is barely hanging in there after the experience and the bathroom looks like a bomb went off in it.

But the worst was yet to come.

To say that drying him off was a nightmare is the understatement of the century. Hubby held on to the massive leaf-blower while I held on to River’s leash. We counted down and he turned on the thing…

And River was simply gone. I was on the ground, getting the benefit of the leaf-blower’s power and hubby was trying to turn off the blasted machine. The only one who didn’t get blown around was River. He legged it out there faster than I’ve ever seen him move.

Many towels and several cups of tea later, we sat in our living room and took stock of our loses. River was still wet. The bathroom was catastrophic. There was a smell in the house, a mixture of wet dog, dirt and human exhaustion, that was hard to describe. And there were clumps of wet dog hair practically everywhere the eye could see.

With an exhausted sigh, I turned to my hubby.

“It wasn’t that bad,” he observed, indomitable. “We should do Ocean next week.” And a couple of dog hairs fell off his head.

Why dog groomers aren’t paid enough.

Today being Father’s Day, instead of resting, my hubby woke me up (at 7am no less) because we had an appointment to wash the dogs. At that hour of the morning, the only thing I can think of coherently is coffee. Anything else doesn’t even register. Incredibly, I woke up (without coffee) and, even more amazingly, I went with him, to wash our two mutts.

Washing two dogs is a two person job. (Well, ideally it would be a 20 person job but we only had two, so we made do.) We went to the kennel of a lady (Sammy) who lives really close to us and loves her job (she’s nuts). She sets you up with a tub and special hoses and then leaves you (maybe not that nuts). She has a special pump that throws sudsy water at the dogs and gets under that thick fur.

Part one, you clip the chosen dog’s collar to a holder on the wall (or the dog will be gone faster than you can say bye) and then water down the dog. While the hose hurls the soapy water at the mutt, you try and rub it in while the other person keeps the dog calm. This goes on for a bit or until the dog decides enough is enough and shakes his/her fur. Onto part two!

Part two is the rinse. Same hose, same idea, but clear water and off we go. By then both hubby and I were soaked from head to shoes.

Part three! The drying process. Sammy has this pump that now blows air through a hose and it comes out with so much strength it actually dries and shakes off dead, dog hair in one swoop. The problem is that dry dog hair fluffs (if it’s from long-haired dogs) and it goes floating into the air looking for a wet surface to adhere to…did I mention my hubby and I were soaked? Well, guess where that hair goes. To us. It stuck to hubby’s head, my face, his face, our hands, our clothes, everywhere.


Note to self: You have to close your eyes when you blow that hose because those dog hairs will also stick to your eyeballs and they are so soft, you’ll never ever get them out…especially with your fingers which have even more dog hairs!

Done, you think? Nope. Time for the second dog!! We did the entire process twice and emerged a complete mess. The dogs were clean, shiny white and dry. Hubby and I were soaked, matted with dirty dog hair and grumpy from our coffee-less state. We even had Ocean poop while we were dealing with River, to add to the fun of the entire experience.

Now we’re home and the dogs have shredded their baby pool in thanks for our excellent care….and then proceeded to dig up more spots on the yard and cover their newly washed fur with dirt.



A very clean Ocean

A very clean Ocean

Very clean--and grumpy--River

Very clean–and grumpy–River

What they do when we're not looking

Next pets we have are going to be penguins.