The Lipstick Fiasco

Lipstick can drive anyone crazy and not just simply because those shades look completely different once you’ve left the store. They tend to disappear faster than coffee at a writers’ conference. And don’t get me started on shine.

Determined to find the fix, I headed to the closest drug store and stared at the multitude of little boxes. I couldn’t believe there were that many shades of red, let alone pink.

I must have looked perplexed because a lady came over and asked if she could help me. She had enough make up on that I was certain it’d have to be chiselled off at night. She was perfect.

“I want a lipstick that stays on my lips,” I told her.

She started to reach for one. “This one will stay for two hours depending…”

“You don’t understand,” I said cutting her off. “I want one that if it was WWWIII and my body was ashes, they could still see the lipstick.”

She paled slightly under the layers of make up but nodded and pointed to a tiny group of boxes. “This one will stay on until you remove it. But I should warn you that…”

“It’ll stay on no matter what?”

“No matter what. But I should warn you…”

“No warnings.” I grabbed one of the tiny boxes in a random shade of red and moments later I was outside in my car dabbing it on.

Sure enough, this was very different lipstick from the ones I’d had before. As soon as I put it on my lips, it seemed to cling like a baby monkey. Not one to do something half way, I put three more coatings of the stuff and smiled at my reflection. It was actually difficult to even move my lips. Thanks to the product, my lips had become quite hard and it almost hurt to move them. But they were absolutely red and nothing, from rubbing to picking at them, could remove the colour.

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Awesome.

Time to add shine.

I grabbed a lipgloss I carried and smeared that one liberally across my mouth.

Result? My lips had swollen and almost taken over my face.

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I stared in awe at the reflection. I was stunned. My lips have always been these teeny, tiny, thin things. Now, they were so loud and big they were their own entity.

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I was a thing of beauty!

Time to go show them off.

I had no where to go, so I headed to the nearest grocery store.

With nothing to buy, I strolled leisurely up and down the isles showing off my newly-found stunning lips. I also tried to stick out my hips in what I thought was a sexy pose and close my eyes half-way models do. It’s not easy to walk with a twisted hip and closed eyes but I did my best.

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It worked. Everywhere I went people stared. They did double-takes that made me smile as their eyes widened.

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I could only grin delightedly. Angelina Jolie move aside, I’m the new goddess of feminine beauty.

I was going to sell this formula and make millions.

I was going to be famous.

I was going to stun others with my incredible beau….

Then I noticed my reflection in the window of the store.

The layers of lipsticks had melted from my lips, down my chin and pooled around my shirt. I looked like a vampire that had just had lunch.

(credit: ruthdehass.wordpress.com)

(credit: ruthdehass.wordpress.com)

People were staring alright, they were wondering what disease I had and if it was catchy.

(credit: invisibleinkblog.blogspot.com)

(credit: invisibleinkblog.blogspot.com)

21 thoughts on “The Lipstick Fiasco

  1. Very funny πŸ˜† I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve actually worn lipstick even though the money I spent buying lipstick numbers in the three digits. Ditto for nail polish. I think, at 64, I’ve finally accepted my non-girly persona ( even though the nail polish still takes up a portion of my refrigerator door shelf).

  2. Oh my god I laughed so hard at this post I think I’ve damaged something! As for β€œI want one that if it was WWWIII and my body was ashes, they could still see the lipstick.” – I spit out a little tea…it was better than choking on it! Thanks, Taylor, you just made an incredibly bad day end with a smile πŸ˜‰

  3. I feel bad for laughing, but this was just what I needed to perk me on a Monday morning πŸ˜€ Awesome post.

    This, ‘β€œYou don’t understand,” I said cutting her off. β€œI want one that if it was WWWIII and my body was ashes, they could still see the lipstick.”’, had me spitting out my tea! πŸ˜€

  4. Too funny. You’re certainly brave to try such things, and at the supermarket no less! My most daring adventure is that I am trying to come off using anti-perspirant. Why, you ask? Well, there was some inconclusive study linking aluminum in anti-perspirant to breast cancer. And, as we know, inconclusive can easily be interpreted by worriers like me as meaning ‘you will surely die of some hideous tumor in your boob’. I’m now using (brace yourself for this one) coconut oil under my armpits. I kid you not. It’s antibacterial yet skin-conditioning properties are supposed to work well. Will let you know after a few days how it’s going. Hopefully no embarrassing incidents at the supermarket!

    • Oh, I loved that comment! Inconclusive means: “You will surely die of some hideous tumour in your boob’! Ha! That got me laughing. The coconut oil…well, I’m still using deodorant. I figure if it gives me a terrible disease, everyone else will also have it and we’ll have company! πŸ˜€ (No, thats a joke) I actually asked the pharmacist who said if a product was carcinogenic, it couldn’t be on the shelf (besides looking at me like I needed something stronger than deodorant). That made so much sense to me, I dropped my fear like a hot potato.

  5. Oh my, that’s an epic lipstick fail! πŸ™‚

    I do feel your pain though, I’ve yet to find a lipstick that doesn’t need reapplying every two hours. I think it’s a ploy to keep us using and applying their products continuously, therefore making us buy them repeatedly. πŸ™‚

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